The Many Deaths of Christopher Hayden
by Maureen Painted Green
Summary: For all you JavaJunkies who want a little more than an LL ending...
1. Intro

**A/N:** Okay, so basically the idea is that Christopher dies...in as many ways as possible. Theoretically, they will start off pretty generic (but satisfying) and then get progressively more creative...feel free to leave your suggestions for ways to kill off Christopher! Rejoicing after the death(s) of Christopher is sanctioned and strongly encouraged.

Disclaimer: If I owned Gilmore Girls, I wouldn't have to resort to this in order to enjoy the death of Christopher...

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It was a busy day in the infamous Diner of Stars Hollow, Connecticut. Most of the town regulars were there, hanging out and not ordering near enough food to stop the complaining of the Diner's owner. Kirk was busy with his latest business endeavor, alternately playing salesperson as he tried to take advantage of the other diner patrons, and hiding all signs of entrepreneurial activity whenever Luke should happen to walk by. Patty was happily gossiping away, to just about any townie who would listen (which was actually a surprisingly large amount of people for such a small town). Even Taylor stopped in briefly, though he got into an argument with Luke almost immediately and was unceremoniously thrown out. Yes, this day was just like any other in Stars Hollow. That is, until Babette, one of the town's most trusted gossip sources, came running into the diner.

"You all are never gonna believe what I just heard!" She exclaimed, collapsing into a chair that was pulled out for her just moments before.

Eager citizens gathered around. It was common knowledge that Babette was the best source for knowledge of one Lorelai Gilmore nowadays (their houses were right next door), and everyone wanted to hear news about Lorelai Gilmore.

"What is it, Babette?" Inquired Miss Patty.

"Yeah, Babette, out with it!" Interjected another curious townie.

"Well," Babette began, panting a little from her cross-town run, "I was waterin' my plants outside, when I heard Lorelai's phone ringin'. I didn't see her car in the driveway, so I figured it wouldn't do any harm if I were to go listen for the message through the window. Well, apparently, she was home, and she picks up the phone. Then I remember there's a cordless just inside the back door, so I sneak inside and grab it. I didn't catch the first little bit of conversation, but I heard enough."

"Well...?!" The townies anxiously awaited. It was not like Babette to keep them in suspense.

"Christopher is dead!" Babette shouted. Surprised mutterings traveled throughout the assembled crowd.

"What happened, Babette?" Someone finally had the sense to ask. Babette smiled, enjoying the fact the she was the bearer of the most scintillating gossip since Lorelai had been seen in the diner wearing nothing but Luke's t-shirt.

"Well..." Babette began.


	2. Death by Traffic

"Christopher was driving back from Boston. Apparently, he was there on business or somethin'. Well, he's takin' on his cell phone, not paying attention to the road, when a car beside him starts swervin' in and out of the lane. The driver fell asleep, and he cou;dn't see where he was goin'. Of course, by this time Christopher looks up and sees the truck. He swerves out of the way to avoid it-."

"Well then how did he die if he missed the truck?!" Asked Lane.

"Well, I was about to say, he swerved to avoid it, but there was a truck in the left lane- It was a three lane highway, did I mention that?"

"No, you didn't, Babette." Supplied Kirk.

"Oh, well anyway, he swerves right into the side of this big semi. Double-trailer. It was messy. The top half of his car got cut right off. I'm surprised he wasn't decapitated or somethin'. Well, he manages to survive that, and get back into his lane, but when he tries to pull off onto the shoulder, he gets hit from behind. Of course, now he's got no roof, and the airbags got blown in the truck incident, so they don't go off. Christopher goes flying out the top of the car onto the pavement. They called an ambulance, but it was too late. His spine was broken and he was already almost dead. They decided it was more humane to just let him die there. At least, I think that's why they didn't take him to the hospital. I was openin' a candy bar there, so it got a little fuzzy, but-." At this point, Babette was cut off by the discussion of the townies.

"Well, I guess he had it comin'." East Side Tilly remarked.

"Yeah. Karma came back to bite that one in the ass. Oh, well. He never had that great of an ass anyway." Patty replied.


	3. Death By Salesperson

Thanks to all of you who reviewed my first "ending" (Basically, every new chapter starts at the intro again).

**crashcart** - I don't think Christopher is the devil. You have to have some intelligence for that. As for the bit about killing him, it will always be satisfying to me if Christopher dies. And with regards to your concern about the story fitting the show, it's really not a serious attempt to make it like the show. Basically, it's just stress relief and a "Let's think of creative ways to kill off Chris" workshop.

**MrsCzuchry - **Thanks for the suggestion...as for the prolonged delay for L&L, it would be best avoided at all costs.

**TrueLovex3LL - **Death by JavaJunkies...interesting possibilities. I've on occasion found myself threatening to injure David Sutcliffe just enough that he can't be on the show, therefore forcing the Christopher storyline to end...

**Kiss And Make Up - **Thanks for the props stores in safe place. I love your ideas. Particularly the one about him dying because he's a sissy. The helicopter one, though, would be a lot more satisfying. It will always have a special place in my heart...

I encourage everyone to join the "JavaJunkie: It's NOT over!" forum Excellent way to vent about Christopher.

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**Ending 2: Death by Salesperson**

"It was last night. He decided to go shopping for another plasma tv, who knows why he needed another one, I mean that man already has enough plasma tvs to start his own store, but-"

"Babette?" Interjected a townie, stopping the tangent.

"Oh, right, well, he goes in the store and starts ordering all the poor assistants around. He must have learned that from Lorelai's mother, what was her name again?"

"Emily." Replied Luke without thinking. He was pretending to wipe off the counter, but in reality was paying much more attention to Babette's story.

"Right, Emily. So Chris is ordering all these assistants around and some of them get pissed off. At that moment, the salesperson sees Chris and decides to go try his sales pitch. He's brings out a catalog and starts showin' Christopher all the different tvs. Well, Chris apparently wants a bigger tv than they have in stock, so he throws one of those hissy fits. Of course, the salesperson can't do anythin' about it, and that's what he tells Christopher. Well, Chris is used to gettin' his way, and this makes him really angry. He starts screamin' and cussin' and the salesperson just snaps. Pushes Chris right up against one of the tv shelves. Of course, that kinda threw off the balance of the shelf and one of the tvs fell off. It landed on Christopher's head and they say it killed him instantly. They even charged the tv to Chris' card since it broke when it hit the floor."

"The gift that keeps on givin'." Laughs Miss Patty.

At this point, Luke made a little noise that sounded remarkably like a laugh. Of course, half the town looks at him, smiling to themselves. Finally, Babette speaks up.

"Well, go get your woman, suga!"


	4. Death By Small Child

**A/N: **Well, since this story is getting a response, I might as well share that the idea came to me after I posted something on a JJ forum about how I would be happiest if Christopher died. I was lying in bed attempting to fall asleep, when it hit me...why not write a fanfiction about increasingly ridiculous and yet strangely therapeutic ways to kill off Christopher. All the best ideas come to me at 1 in the morning.

I would also like to share that this story will be continuing until Lorelai and Christopher break up/divorce/Christopher actually dies (preferred). I have reason to believe this will occur sometime in February...

And to the reviewers...

**MoonlightGardenias** **- **Thanks for liking my story. I like your visions. Christopher being hit repeatedly...hmmmm...this could work.

**flirtswithdisaster** - Basks in the glory of making people laugh. Yeah, it would definitely suck if Lorelai and Chris had another kid together. I would probably kill myself. That would basically ruin my entire life, I'm not going to lie. As for the writing more soon, that'll probably work out. I tend to write more when I'm at school and supposed to be doing other things...which will unfortunately be occurring again soon.

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**Death by Small Child**

"It was late afternoon and his boss had invited him over to discuss a business deal or somethin'. Well, the boss and Christopher were talkin' and drinkin' and stuff, not payin' much attention to the boss's little kid. Well, the kid decides to play house or somethin' and make some lemonade for his dad. Of course, bein' a little kid and all, he's not really sure what goes into lemonade. He just grabs some of the stuff he can reach and pours it into a pitcher and stuff, see. Well, it turns out that basically the only things he could reach were in the bathroom cupboard under the sink. Well, this kid mixes it all together and offers some 'lemonade' to the adults. Now, Christopher is all about appearances and wants to look good in front of the boss (and he's probably more than a little drunk by now), so he takes some of the lemonade and drinks it all. Well, about a half hour later, the little kid (who drank some too) starts feelin' sick, so his dad rushes him to the emergency room and they pump his stomach."

"Was he okay?!" Lane asked. (Her maternal instincts were kicking in).

"Oh of course he was, doll." Babette continues, "Well, anyway, Chris decides to impress the boss by goin' back to work and gettin' a few things done before goin' home. Of course, by the time he gets there, he starts feelin' like shit too. They found him in the mornin', lyin' on the office floor. Apparently, the 'lemonade' was actually Drain-O. I tell ya, what a way to go."

"Drain-O, huh? There's a reason that stuff works better than any other household cleaner. And now I know why." Patty laughed. There was a sudden rush of movement near the back of the group as Kirk ran out the door screaming something about Drain-O saving the world.

"I think he's just discovered a new business idea." Said one of the townies.

"Uh oh! He's gonna buy up all the Drain-O they got! I better go grab some before Taylor sells it all to him!" Babette decided. At this, the whole town rushed out of Luke's, in search of Drain-O to mark this historic event. Of course, the relationship between Taylor and Luke improved dramatically when Taylor realized that Luke was one of only three citizens not involved in the Great Drain-O Riot of 2006.


	5. Death By Rose Bowl

**A/N:** I watched "Those Are Strings, Pinocchio" (The Season 3 closer) yesterday. There are SO many L/L moments in that one. Especially when Luke is asking Lorelai to think of reasons why he shouldn't go on the cruise with Nicole. Gaah. Go die, Christopher. I want my L&L!

**MoonlightGardenias - **It makes me so happy to see that some people keep reviewing...thanks!

**flirtswithdisaster** - I'm glad the story makes you laugh. And if you think it's therapeutic to read, you should try writing it...it gives me a strange sense of peace with the world. At least, until I watch an episode with Christopher in it. Then I want to kill things all over again.

**justawritier** - Well...as far as the JavaJunkie lovin' goes, I do have a plan for it in this story, but you will all have to wait and see. Evil grin.

**ggcailin** and **duckiebubblz** - Thanks for the reviews!

And just to make things a little festive, since this is, after all New Year's Day, the title of this chapter is...

**Death by Rose Bowl**

"I guess he had tickets to the Rose Bowl or somethin'. Well, he asks Lorelai to come, but she doesn't like sports, so he went by himself instead. It was a pretty good game, from what I hear. Those football players have great asses..."

"Mmmm" Interjected Miss Patty, which prompted an "aw, jeez!" from Luke.

"So, he's at the game, and he's getting kinda hungry" Babette continues, "So he decides to go and get some food. Well, he buys basically everything, and goes back to his seat and starts eating. Well, about halfway through the second quarter, one of the people in front of him looks back and sees Christopher sittin' there sorta weird, like he's not conscious or somethin'. Well, they call the ambulance, and the paramedics come and take Christopher away. Apparently, half a nacho got stuck in his throat and made him choke. He died on the way to the hospital."

"Hey Luke, could I get some nachos?" Asked Kirk, suddenly reminded of his hunger by Babette's discussion of the food.

"Ooh yeah, me too!" Lane was overcome with a craving.

"This is not a concession stand." Luke argued, "We do not serve nachos here."

"You would for Lorelai." Kirk complained.

"Yeah Kirk, but he hasn't been pining for you for more than a decade." Babette explained.

"I am not pining for Lorelai."

"Yes you are, Luke, or you would have thrown Babette out the minute she came in here shouting about Christopher dying." Miss Patty joined the conversation.

"Look. The way that I do or do not feel about Lorelai is not open for debate. This is none of your business. It is mine, and maybe Lorelai's, but not_ yours_. Go to Al's and hope he's into Mexican tonight if you want nachos. Understand?" And with that, Luke stormed out the door and into his truck.


	6. Death By Yuppies

**A/N:** Okay, so I'm sorry. I'm horrible! I suck! I'm a rat, I need cheese. I'm sorry I haven't been updating. So, to make up for it, I offer you not one, but THREE deaths all in one tidy post. I must admit that this chapter was inspired almost completely by Tom Paxton's song "Yuppies In the Sky". For those of you that don't know, yuppie is a phrase from the 80s that refers to young people who basically spend all their time working and social networking, wear very preppy clothes, and are generally mockable. Almost like Christopher...

**Death By Yuppies**

"Christopher was walkin' down the street one day, somewhere in Boston I think, and he sees this old abandoned exercise buildin'. So he looks inside and there's still treadmills and stuff in there. Well, he's intrigued by exercise equipment for some reason, so he tries the door, and magically, it works!"

"I wonder how that happened." A clueless townie stated, "It's pretty unlikely that a building like that would be opened. Especially in a city as big as Boston. I mean- ." The townie shifted nervously in his seat as the rest of the crowd in the diner glared. Babette resumed her story.

"So, anyway, Christopher goes in the aerobics studio and there's all this exercise equipment. It's all old and dusty, but it looks like it's still workin'. So he's thinkin' maybe this could become his private gym or somethin', when he sees something move in the back corner of the studio. He looks around and doesn't see anythin', so he goes back to checkin' out the exercise equipment. A few minutes later, he sees the shape again. Only this time, it doesn't disappear. It's some sort of ghost yuppie, come back from the 80s to haunt him. He pinches himself, to make sure he isn't dreamin' or nothin'. When he looks up, the yuppie has started stationary bikin'. Then more yuppies start comin' out of nowhere, and jumpin' on all the exercise equipment. And pretty soon, they all start askin' Christopher to join 'em. Well, he's never been able to resist anyone, so he hops on the nearest treadmill and starts runnin'. Only, this is a yuppie treadmill, and his little non-ghost body can't take it. He falls down, and of course, the yuppies run over. They find he's hit his head and his hand is gettin' sucked into the treadmill, and so of course, they steal all his credit cards and his Ralph Lauren sweater, before leaving him to die. The police came about 3 hours later and they say the only thing he said to them was 'yuppies'."

"Hey!" shouts Kirk, pointing at the townie from before. "He's wearing a Ralph Lauren sweater too!" The townie ran in terror, as everyone in Luke's glared at him a second time.

"To yuppies!" Shouted Miss Patty, pulling out the container of her famous punch she'd managed to smuggle in. The town gathered 'round as she doled out the punch (giving new meaning to the phrase 'punch drunk'), and the town initiated a brand new festival, Yuppie Day. Everybody was so busy with the festivities that they didn't notice as Luke slipped out the back door...


	7. Death By Gamblers

**A/N: **In payment for my debts, I offer you part two of the three I promised you today.

**Death by Gamblers**

"Christopher apparently had a gamblin' problem. Well, he was in Atlantic City, in a casino. He's playin' blackjack and he's winnin' a lot of money. Of course, this isn't makin' the other players too happy. "You're cheating" one of them says. But the rest decide to ignore this comment and play one, hopin' that the stakes will improve as they play the next round."

"Mother doesn't like gambling." Kirk mused.

"SHUT UP!" The townies screamed as one.

"Well, Christopher wins the next round too, and this time, there's more than one player screamin' bloody murder. Still, the dealer does nothin'. They deal out another hand, and when Christopher looks at his cards, he realizes he's been dealt 21. He refuses to trade any cards, and wins the hand."

"I thought you had to have 31." Interrupts Gypsy.

"No, I think it's 41." Argues Andrew.

"You're both idiots, it's 21." Patty says, annoyed.

"Can we get back to the story?" Babette begs, feeling her audience slipping away. The townies nod enthusiastically. "The other players were pissed. The dealer finally agreed that Christopher must be cheatin', so they all gang up on him. They force him out of the casino, which I hear wasn't pretty. Well, a couple o' days later, he's at home when some of the people he played against at the casino come to his house. It was messy. The police didn't even find his body 'till the next day."

"We need a casino. We can call it 'Star's Hollow Slots'." Said one of the townies.

"I can't imagine Taylor being too happy with that." Countered Patty.

"I guess you're right," The townie replied, "Poker, anyone?"


	8. Death By God

**Death by God**

"It was late at night and he was waiting for Rory's plane from London. She was flying into Boston, because it was cheaper, and then they were gonna drive back the Stars Hollow together. Well, she gets there fine, and she gets off the plane. She's lookin' kinda mad, but of course he doesn't notice. They get in the car and they're comin' home, when Rory finally explodes."

"That girl never explodes." Said Gypsy incredulously.

"Well, she did have a screaming match with Taylor that once." Miss Patty recalls.

"She's got a temper when she needs to." Agrees Kirk.

"Well, she exploded at Christopher. Said he was blind and stupid and foolish for takin' advantage of Lorelai that night. That he was stupid if he couldn't see she was still in love with Luke. She said he was selfish for takin' her away from the only man she's ever loved. And he got pissed right back and started yellin' at Rory. 'Lorelai loves me!' he says-."

"Yeah, right." Interjects Miss Patty.

"'She chose me! She wants me! She loves me, she never loved Luke! He's not good enough for her. You don't know what you're talking about!'. And then Rory says 'Do you really believe that?'. 'Of course I believe it, it's the god-damn truth. If it's not the truth, then God strike me down right now!'. God did."

"Wow. I never really believed all this God stuff." Kirk announced. "But it must be true."

"I might actually start going to church now." Said Miss Patty.

"Yeah, cool, good idea..." The townies talked amongst themselves. Not one to miss an opportunity, Reverend Skinner stood up.

"Let's go have a church service right now!" He proclaimed. And the everyone in the diner followed him out the door.


	9. AN, I know they suck

**A/N: **The response on my last post was mind-blowing. I got 7 reviews within about 3 hours! You guys are incredible. I'll try to write a huge number of deaths on my way to the Ticheli concert I'm going to tomorrow, but if you will remember, I said previously that this fic would end when Christopher and Lorelai did. I'm thinking of changing that to "When Luke and Lorelai get back together", since it makes more sense that we continue to hate Christopher until we get Luke back. If anyone will become heartbroken or suicidal when I mark this fic complete, speak now or forever hold your peace.


	10. Death By Disney

**A/N:** Once again, for those who (like me) don't read author's notes, I'd like to comment on the incredible response to the super post I made yesterday. My comments to you...

**elo0ggaddict** - As far as why I didn't describe his death in "Death by Gamblers", I could feel a burst of graphic description coming on, and decided not to let my hatred for Christopher manipulate me into making people leave angry comments about the rating. The god one was actually originally intended to be part of the gambling one, but I thought it stood on it's own pretty well...I've gotten a lot of response about that one...

As far as the eventual ending of this story, you make a valid point. Christopher dying will never get old. I haven't made a final decision yet, but I'll let you know.

**Alaina Rose** - That sounds like something I would say. You are officially initiated into my club of really cool people who like fanfics just a _little_ too much. (I believe I once commented that I would like to marry someone's fanfic and have it's children).

**flirtswithdisaster** - Actually, the update was a huge "I have a snow day today and it's about -16 outside, let's write lots of fanfic instead of doing Chemistry homework!" thing. Basically, I knew I needed to update, and I felt bad because I hadn't updated in forever, so I wrote and posted three chapters at once.

**justawritier** - Wow. I think you reviewed like 5 times in the past day. This is so cool! As far as the concert, I'm just about to go. We're going to Taco Bell on the way!

**Robinpoppins** and **TrueLovex3LL** - Thanks for the reviews. They make my life. I check them during English.

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**Death by Disney**

"He decided to take Gigi to Disneyworld. That's the one in Florida, right?"

"No, Disneyland is in Florida. Disneyworld is in California. And London." Kirk interrupted.

"No, doll, I'm pretty sure Disneyland is London too." Miss Patty added.

"You're all idiots." Luke countered. "Disneyworld _is_ in Florida, Disney_land_ is in California, and nobody cares about London."

"I do! The West End production of Wicked just opened there with Idina Menzel and I...Uh..." Added yet another townie, before he was silenced by glares from Luke.

"Well, anyway, Christopher took the little brat to Florida, to go see Mickey Mouse. Tigger's still in jail, apparently. So, they get there, and they check into a hotel. It's one of those fancy Disney resorts, and at dinner, their server tells them that Disneyworld is doin' a theme this year. It's called 'The year of a million dreams' or somethin'."

"Oh, yeah. I read about that in one of the magazines Mother lets me read." Kirk said. "It's supposed to be really cool. Special tours, new shows, some family from Michigan even got to spend the night in Cinderella's castle! Of course, Mother doesn't approve of Disneyworld. She took the magazine away when I told her, and-."

"KIRK!" Shouted Lane.

"So, anyway," Babette continued, "They leave the next day for the Magic Kingdom, and they go on the Space Mountain ride, right. Well, they're gettin' off when the employee at the end stops 'em. He gives 'em some of those "Dream Fastpass" necklace things that let you get onto every ride fast, since it's the year of a million dreams. Well, of course, Christopher always likes gettin' to cut in front of people, so he takes the kid and hurries off to find one of the rides. He's gettin' in line for the mine train ride, when the necklace gets hooked on one of the pictures on the wall. Of course, he's holdin' Gigi, and she's tightened the string of his necklace, so he doesn't notice it's hooked 'till he steps up to get on the ride and it pulls. Well, Gigi's pullin' his other hand, and he can't get the necklace off. Eventually, the ticket person realized what was happenin' and tried to help, but it was too late."

"Do you think his face was blue?" Kirk wondered.

"No, but those fastpass things are." Answered a townie.

"Blue is my favorite color." Sighed Kirk.

"Well, if he hadn't been strangled then, we would've strangled him when he came back anyway, right?" Miss Patty said.

Visitors to Stars Hollow for many years to come wondered why there was a noose attacked to a flagpole, hanging a lifesize cardboard cutout of a man during the second week of February.

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**More random notes...because I can - **This story is about 30 true. I recently went to Disneyworld with the band, and it was pretty sweet. We actually did win the Dream Fastpasses on Space Mountain, and let me tell you, those things are sweet. As for the people who spent the night in Cinderella's castle, that's true too. They're from the town next to mine, and the boy in the family used to be in my class.


	11. Death By Squirrels

**A/N: **I'd like to thank Becca, the infamous BLT Woman and my Pop-Tart supplier, for thinking of this fabulous idea. In case you were wondering, Becca has a fear of squirrels.

**justawriter - **You are like my uber-reviewer! I love it. Oh, and by the way, the concert rocked. I got a picture of my adorable band teacher with Frank Ticheli (whom she idolizes). I think she's STILL blushing.

**Alaina Rose - **I don't want to make people cry. And as far as the L/L ending, you'll just have to stay tuned.

**LukePlusLorelaiEqualsL O V E - **I liked your pun. And just so you know, Chris-hatred is a VERY good thing.

**BearyFunny66 **and **TrueLovex3LL - **Thanks for reviewing!

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**Death By Squirrels**

"There's been this squirrel outside his apartment in Boston for a couple of months now. It always bugs him, but whenever he decides to do anythin' about it, the squirrel vanishes. Well, he comes home one night drunk and pissed off. He sees the squirrel sittin' out there by the window. He's so sick of the thing that he grabs a shotgun out of the closet and blasts the thing."

"Who in their right mind would sell that man a shotgun?" Miss Patty asked incredulously.

"Well, if he had ID and cash, I-." Kirk was interrupted by Miss Patty's threatening gesture.

"So, he blasts the squirrel." Babette continues "And it falls out of the tree. He goes to bed, gets up the next morning late (because the squirrel ironically was the thing that woke him up on time), and goes to work. Well, about a week later, he's finally figured out how to set an alarm clock when he gets up and sees the squirrel starin' at him through the window. He goes to work, and when he comes home, he opens the apartment door and sees the squirrel sittin' there inside his apartment. He picks it up and he's just about to throw it out the window when a bunch of other squirrels appear from various corners of the apartment. They're all comin' at him from different directions. The police said there were about thirty of them. Well, they attack Christopher until he lets the first squirrel go. Then they all back off, except for the squirrel he tried to shoot, which comes up and promptly attacks his face, killing him. When the police came, he was covered in squirrels. They took the shotgun, since it turned out shooting black squirrels was illegal (somethin' about them bein' endangered), but they didn't know what to do about his apartment, since he didn't have a will. I think they ended up turnin' it into a black squirrel wildlife sanctuary or somethin'."

Babette finished her story, leaving the townies in a stunned silence. They stayed this way for a few seconds until a flurry of movement outside the window of Luke's distracted them.

"Look! A black squirrel!" Said a little boy. The townies all rushed out of Luke's trying to get a closer look. It was like a strange parade, led by a little black squirrel running as fast as it could to get away from the crazy humans who were hell-bent on following it.

Nobody knows for sure where the squirrel escaped to, but the next town festival was held to raise money for a statue of a black squirrel in the center of town.


End file.
